Vegetarians are a brutal, heartless lot. So are all of us who mow our lawns.
How could you not avoid such conclusions? Just this week we had reports from scientists about how plants communicate with each other. They also think. And they are sensitive, so sensitive.
The scientists tell us plants decide how big to grow their leaves. They decide! They prioritize their activities. After checking out the competition nearby. They react to stress above and below ground. If a neighbor is pushy, they push back. They talk to pals when it comes to growing roots. “Why don’t you grow yours there, sweetheart. And I’ll grow mine over here. Nice looking tendrils you’ve got there, by the way.”
In earlier research scientists told us plants mourn when their neighbors croak. They have feelings.
Let’s get down to earth here. We are all part of Gaia. Mother Earth, that is. You, me, the fungus between your toes, the moths in your carpet. We are all in this together, all interconnected. Swamis and native peoples have told us this for centuries. Jerk a weed from your petunia bed and you cause its cactus cousin in Utah to swoon.
Ahh, yes, Gaia. One big happy family. Except that some of the family ain’t so happy. It only stands to reason. I mean, what plant could be happy with the way their human brothers and sisters mistreat them?
In a distant future era we will learn plant languages. We will decipher communications between the plants. We will discover plant manuscripts. They will detail the butchery humans subjected them to. They will describe the slashings and mowings. And how plants that happened to be less attractive were called “ugly weeds”. They will describe how they were deprived of their vegihood by pruners. Not to mention how humans mutilated their reproductive organs. And messed around with their genes.
They will vilify gardeners and vegetable growers. “They attacked us with machines. They massacred all our little friends who were growing around us.”
Imagine the conversations between the trees. “Did you see what that stupid dog did to me?” “That’s nothing, Harry. The damned squirrels have made a hole in my crotch and lived there all winter!” “Warning! Warning! Here come the woodpeckers!”
I, for one, am not going to put up with this abuse any longer. I am forming PETVAT, for the protection of all vegetation and trees. We will have sub-chapters. Bruised Broccoli Anonymous. Weeping Willow Widows. Corn Power!! NAABBB. (For the advancement of black and blueberries and other fruits of color.) Adopt-a-Plant. Outfits like that.
And we sure as hell need a government program to right this wrong. We always need more government programs.
We definitely need to start a grass roots movement. And this time I really mean grass roots, among others. We need to stop cannibals like you from eating vegetables! After all, we know now that vegetables are living creatures. Do you need further proof? Dig a hole and drop in an onion and potato from your larder. In a few weeks they’ll be sticking out of the ground, grasping for their lives.
Knowing these are living, talking creatures, what will you do tomorrow? You will seize the poor spud and torture it. You will dig out its very eyes! You will roast or fry the poor creature. You will chop your onion into tiny pieces. An onion that never did you any harm.
Meanwhile, you will happily castrate your rose bushes, apple trees and grape vines. In Syrian fashion you will spray nasty chemicals over weeds. Vegecide! You will violate basic vegetative rights. You will discriminate, by selecting attractive plants over ugly ones.
In short, you will show the world you are sexist, misogynist, homophobic and racist. I cannot tell you just why you are guilty of these four. But these days everybody is. Give me another week to work on the indictment.
Meanwhile, you should fast for a while. Breakfast on gravel. And stop ogling the Kiwifruit, you pervert.
From Tom…as in Morgan.
Find Tom on Facebook. You can write to Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com.